Thursday, May 22, 2008

Lessons Learned Too Late

I dated a guy named Adam once. He was named after Eve's husband and not that old adage, "Up and Adam!" I loved saying to him "Up and Adam!" He never got the "up" part as he always stayed in bed but he never failed to glance my way...WHICH MEANS he got the "Adam" part right!
Then today my friend Nikki IM'd me that Lori is going to the birthday party tonight. See, our friend Lori has yet to debut her new nose to the world! She just got it last Thursday. But Nikki informed me that Lori was, "Up and at 'em". "Up and at 'em?" All that is holy. It clicked right away. It immediately felt like I had just found my mom's missing ice cream cone (my mom misplaced her ice cream cone one day in 1994 and made me look for it before admitting she possibly had eaten the whole thing). Sometime a long time ago, people must have been saying, "Get up and get at them!" Then it shortened down like "totally" has simply become "totes" and "Mother I'd like to Fuck" is better known as (aka!) "MILF". "Up and Adam" never did make much sense to me anyway. HOWEVER, I cannot say the same for "Wind Sheild Factor". You probably know it better as the "Wind Chill Factor". But how many times has your mother said, "Up and Adam!" and you rubbed your booger laden eyes and touched the window to find out just how cold it was outside before embarking on your day? You my friend, were checking the "Wind Sheild Factor".

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Spectacle with My Spectacles

When I was 14 I had $125 to my name. It was a lot of money at the time (it is a lot of money now). I did not go to the corner store and spend it on 125 cokes. I did not go to Contempo Casual and buy 8 baby tees. I did not buy one huge mum for my Homecoming date. I did not give the money to Amy to give to Mike (who had a fake ID) to buy 20 cases of beer. I did have my mom drop me off at the mall and walked myself right into Lenscrafters. I bought the best tortoise shell oval frames I could find for my money. And when I put that fine pair of specs on I knew it was the first time I could really see. People were looking at me and I knew what they were thinking, "What a smart young gal." Parents would look at my mother and think, "My kid beat up your honor student." Teachers would give me the benefit of the doubt and scooch my grade up just a hint. I was smart folks and I looked it.
I loved pushing my glasses back to act as a headband. So casual. So cool. So smart! Lost your contact??? Just let me slide on down my glasses and I'll find it! I can see. I have glasses.
My best friend Stacey and I were dropped off at the Galleria one Saturday after a Bar Mitzvah. We were browsing the GAP when a nice, older lady came up to me and said, "Uh oh honey. Looks like ya lost a lens there." I smiled and feigned shock. "Oh shoot it must have just fallen out. Thanks. Where did that sucker go?" I put my fingers to my lenses. I touched my right eye. Damn. No protection. I took my glasses off and looked for the missing lens. I retraced my steps throughout the store and turned up nothing. I felt lost. I felt blind.
Now, you might be thinking, "Poor Megan. She probably would have been able to find the lens if she had her lenses to see! The irony. The despair." And you would be right. And you would be wrong. I folded my hollow glasses up and put them into their case. It was goodbye and I knew it. Who knows when that lens popped out? I sure didn't. I was way too lazy to go buy more lenses. I was way too poor to buy another pair of glasses. And I was way lucky I had 20/20 vision.